More than a thousand Howard Stern fans packed the Hard Rock Hotel pool in Las Vegas this afternoon, dying to see who would be crowned the next Miss Howard TV (Stern's In Demand cable channel).Actually, they seemed more dying just to see naked female breasts.
"That's not allowed?" host Artie Lange asked an authority figure standing off stage.
"Sorry, guys!" he told the crowd, which nearly rioted in response.
Lange, the Stern sidekick who headlines Hard Rock's Joint tonight, treated 12 inexplicably voluntary female subjects to a full evaluation of their bodies and test of their knowledge of American history.
"If any of them knows who the vice president is," Lange announced beforehand, "I'll blow a guy."
Lange's heterosexuality was in no danger. One contestant thought our second in command was Sarah Palin, another that 9/11 occured in the year "September."
"How about a hand for this dumb bitch!" Lange yelled.
Of course, the real question on the minds of everyone in attendance -- if not everyone in America -- was not who will be the next Howard TV, but who's taller: me or Ronnie "the Limo Driver" Mund.
I shall keep America waiting no longer. We are the same exact height -- a height that Mund refers to as 5-foot-7, but which is really 5-foot-5 and a half.
Mund, Stern's chauffeur and bodyguard, reportedly looked forward to having me butle for him this weekend as part of "Fear and Loafing," the monthly Las Vegas Review-Journal newspaper column in which I try out different only-in-Vegas jobs. (And where else but Vegas does a limo driver get a butler?)Mund plugged it on Stern's airwaves earlier this week, and was said by other staffers to be preparing plans so elaborate and diabolical, "they would make your head spin."
However, the Hard Rock never officially signed off on the plan, ultimately kiboshing it on Thursday.
When pressed to comment on the debacle, Mund responded: "My cup is empty! Go fill it!"
**UPDATE**Jo Ann Levitan (shown above with Lange) has been crowned my personal Miss Howard TV. And I'm not just saying that because of my massive screw-up last night by not saying how great her thighs looked in the short-shorts she tried on for me at Kohl's.
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